Car Balls

During my morning jogs around the neighborhood I used to see a blue Jeep equipped with a pair of tan lifelike testicles dangling from the rear axle. Every time I’d run past the house I’d wonder what the owner of the Jeep was perchance thinking. I’d wonder what possesses someone to consciously purchase a pair of testicles for their car? Moreover, where exactly does one purchase a pair of Jeep testicles? Are they an option for all Jeeps? Additionally, do Jeep testicles differ from sedan testicles or are all moving vehicle testicles built alike? Alternatively, perhaps the Jeep simply sprouted testicles one fine spring morning and the owner scratched his or her head and thought, I never thought of my Jeep as a boy before, but I guess it is. I always wondered about the sex of my Jeep and now I know.

Usually, though, I’d simply wonder what exactly the testicles were made of. The hairless scrotum had kind of a sandbag appearance, reminiscent of what the wizard dropped from the air balloon at the end of the Wizard of Oz. However, after repeated observation, I began to believe the testicles were made of some kind of thick rubber filled with two large ball bearings—perhaps homemade.

I have to admit I kinda wanted to gently kick the testicles to find out.

Then, as fast as the Jeep testicles appeared, the Jeep testicles disappeared. I jogged on by the rancher one morning and the Jeep was sackless, neutered without remorse. Were the testicles simply a vestigial organ once on all moving vehicles and their brief appearance was cut short by their retreat into the bellows of the Jeep? Were they knocked off in a traffic accident? Perhaps the testicle rubber ripped and in some intersection in northern Virginia the tattered remains of a Jeep scrotum flaps about in the breeze next to an old Big Gulp cup and cigarette butts? Or was there another fascinated passerby who just had to snip the Jeep testicles free? Was this an act of testicular vandalism?

As I jogged away that day I decided never again would I jog past that Jeep. With testicles removed it now oddly looked maimed and mutilated, even though it also looked exactly as the Jeep should look. This is what happens when cars sprout genitalia, I thought. We get used to it. We begin to look askance at cars sans genitalia. Car genitalia becomes the norm. “Oh, you mean it’s that time of the month for your Lexus again?”

“Yeah, the worst part is the fuel injection cramping.”

“My Audi has some real cock chafing going on. Good thing it’s not one of those low-riders.”

I decided to Google “car testicles.” And so I did. A site called bumpernuts.com broadly advertises testicles for trucks: “In my mind a big ass truck is not complete without a nice set of bumper nuts hanging off the hitch,” the site reads. The company sells scrota in blue, black, camo, red, yellow, flesh, white, brass and aluminum. “These nuts weigh one pound and hang 8 inches!”

Not only are bumper nuts good for trucks, but as the bumpernuts site reads, “slap a par of these flesh nuts on any kind of vehicle. You will certainly show the world who owns the road.” The site features images of cars, SUVs, and even motorcycles featuring testicles. As for the material that goes into forming car nuts, the site says all of the car balls are made of forged aluminum and one pound in weight.

I could at this point analyze the societal implications of car balls. I could investigate the ramifications on gender and culture. I could discuss the fascination with car balls as a metaphor for a society suffering through the dregs of the great recession. Or something.

I won’t.

Some mysteries are better left unexplained.





--Originally published on Atticus Books website.